Why Koreans ask your age

Meet a Korean person around your age and one of the first questions may be how old you are. In English that question can feel too personal for a first conversation. In Korean the question is practical, because the answer decides how the two of you will talk to each other.

The verb ending shows how polite you are

A Korean sentence normally ends with its verb, and the verb’s ending shows how polite you are being. Take 먹다 (meokda), “to eat”:

• 먹어요 (meogeoyo) is polite. Use this level with people you don’t know well, with shop staff and with anyone older.
• 먹습니다 (meokseumnida) is formal. You hear it in announcements, on the news and in job interviews.
• 먹어 (meogeo) is casual. This level is called 반말 (banmal), and it belongs with close friends, with family and with people clearly younger than you once you know each other.

All three can mean “I eat,” “you eat” or “do you eat?” A Korean speaker has to pick one ending for every sentence. Before two people can talk comfortably, they need to know which ending to use with each other, and age is the quickest way to find out.

When you’re not sure, use 요

The 요 ending is the safe default: 감사해요 (gamsahaeyo, “thanks”), 괜찮아요 (gwaenchanayo, “it’s fine”), 좋아요 (joayo, “sounds good”). The 요 forms are polite without being stiff, and it is hard to offend anyone with them.

A learner who uses 요 with everyone sounds careful, and careful is fine. A learner who uses 반말 with a stranger sounds rude, even with perfect grammar.

Age, counted the Korean way

Since June 2023, Korean law counts age the international way, from zero at birth. In conversation, people often skip the number and compare birth years instead: 몇 년생이에요? (myeon nyeonsaengieyo, “what year were you born?”). Two people born in the same year are 동갑 (donggap), and 동갑 friends usually move to 반말 quickly.

How 반말 starts

Moving to 반말 is a small event in a friendship, and usually the older person offers it. You may hear 말 놓을까요? (mal noeulkkayo, “shall we speak casually?”) or 말 편하게 하세요 (mal pyeonhage haseyo, “feel free to speak casually”). If you are the younger one, wait for that offer. When it comes, saying yes and switching that same evening is normal.

The older person may also switch to 반말 with you while you keep using 요. That imbalance is ordinary in Korean: the older person speaks casually, and the younger person keeps 요 until both agree to change.

Brother, sister and what the words signal

Once age is settled, friends often use family words in place of names. A woman calls an older man 오빠 (oppa) and an older woman 언니 (eonni). A man calls an older man 형 (hyeong) and an older woman 누나 (nuna). In a family these words mean older brother and older sister, and between friends they mean the two of you are close.

For someone you have just met, add 씨 (ssi) to the given name: 민수 씨 (Minsu ssi). 씨 works between people of a similar age. For someone clearly older or senior, use a title instead, such as 선생님 (seonsaengnim) for a teacher or 선배 (seonbae) for someone ahead of you at school or at work.

Two hands for older people

Age shows up outside words too. When someone older pours you a drink or hands you something, take it with both hands, or with one hand while the other touches your wrist. When you drink in front of someone much older, turning your head slightly away is a common courtesy.

As a visitor you will be forgiven for getting these customs slightly wrong, and the Korean friend across the table will notice that you tried.

What to practice first

Get comfortable with one level before you worry about the others. For a new learner that level is 요, because 요 works with everyone. Then learn the 반말 forms of the verbs you use most, so you are ready the day a Korean friend asks 말 놓을까요?